Monday, November 26, 2007

Ways NOT to describe your Boss or Co-Workers

Sharp as a marble
Has the intellectual depth of a soup plate
A couple of sandwiches short of a full picnic
A couple of slates short of a full roof
A couplet short of a sonnet
A day late and a dollar short
A few beers short of a six-pack
A few ears short of a bushel
A few feathers short of a duck
A few peas short of a pod
A few straws short of a bale
A few tiles missing from his space shuttle
A few yards short of the hole
A kangaroo loose in the top paddock
A pane short of a window
A semi-tone flat on the high notes
A span short of a bridge
All foam, no beer
All hammer, no nail
All hat and no cattle
All the lights don’t shine in his/her marquee
All wax and no wick
An experiment in natural stupidity
Answers the door when the phone rings
Bad spot on the disc
Batteries not included
Bright as Alaska in December
Bubbles in the think tank
Can’t count [pick any part of the human anatomy with more than one] and get the same answer twice
Cart can’t hold all the groceries
Cheats when filling out opinion polls
Chimney’s clogged
Clock doesn’t have all its numbers
Couldn’t organize a piss-up in a brewery
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
Couldn’t write dialogue for a porno film
Cranio-rectally inverted
Deep as her dimples
Defective hard drive
Dock doesn’t quite reach the water
Doesn’t just know nothing; doesn’t even suspect much
Doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his balls
Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the penthouse
Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn’t open
Elevator is on the ground floor and he’s pushing the DOWN button
Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant
Factually impaired
Goalie for the dart team
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t looking
Has all the brains God gave a duck’s ass
Has an IQ one point lower than it takes to grunt
Has his brain on cruise control
Has no upper stage
Has the personality of a snail on Valium
Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited
He’s so dense, light bends around him
Her modem lights are on, but there’s no carrier
Her head whistles in a cross-wind
His IQ test is a false positive
His spark can’t jump the gap
If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate
If his brains were money, he’d still be in debt
If his IQ was two points higher he’d be a rock
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean
In the shopping mall of the mind, he’s in the toy store
Informationally deprived
Inspected by #13
IQ lower than a snake’s gut in a wagon rut
It’s hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm
Knitting with only one needle
Left the store without all of his groceries
Leveled off before reaching altitude
Lights are on, but no one’s home
Lives in La-la land
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum
Missing a few buttons on his remote
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral
Moves his lips to pretend he’s reading
Nice house, but not much furniture
No coins in the fountain
No grain in the silo
No hay in the loft
No one at the throttle
Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree
Oil doesn’t reach his dipstick
One bit short of a byte
One board short of a porch
One bun short of a dozen
One hot pepper short of an enchilada
One node short of a network
One pearl short of a necklace
Ready to check into the Ha-ha Hilton
Running on empty
Serving donuts on another planet
She wears a ponytail to cover up the valve stem
Short circuited between the earphones
Sloppy as a soup sandwich
Slow as molasses in January
Slow out of the gate
Smarter than the average bear
Smoke doesn’t make it to the top of his chimney
So boring, his dreams have muzak
So dim, his psyche carries a flashlight
So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him
So dumb, he faxes face up
So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks
So slow, he has to speed up to stop
So stupid, mind readers charge half price
Someone blew out his pilot light
Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder
Switch is on, but no one’s receiving
Takes her 1.5 hours to watch 60 Minutes
The cheese slid off his cracker
The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead
Thick as pig dung and twice as smelly
Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms
Thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease
Three chickens short of a henhouse
Toys in the attic
Traveling without a passport
Two chapters short of a novel
Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck
Warranty expired
Wasn’t strapped in during launch
Whole lotta choppin’, but no chips a flying’

Yours Truly,


Because You Need To Know What I Think

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